Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
