Just fell off a train. Bad.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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