Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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