mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
