I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
