i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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