I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
