Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
