Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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