she is the kim kardashian of front butts
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
