Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
