Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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