my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
