I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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