6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
