Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
