I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
