I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
