i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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