Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
