How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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