i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
