Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
