Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
