apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
