I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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