I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
