Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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