My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
