The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Hippo gnu deer
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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