drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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