I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
worst night to have a conscience
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
