You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
