I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
