Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
