she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
worst night to have a conscience
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
