my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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