I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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