Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
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They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
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Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head