How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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