i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.