im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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