just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
