i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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