Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
