I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
