maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
