i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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