Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
