I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
