bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
