Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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