You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I think i got beer on your cat.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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