You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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