I love black thongs
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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