I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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