I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
