good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
