my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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