I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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