Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
