Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
