Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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