omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
