I smell stomach acid.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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