At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I could make wine with my vomit
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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